Life Update:

 As I sit here and write this, there is alot that has happened and I feel like this blog needs an update.  

Synopsis of the last five years:

August 12, 2018- Rick passed away from a triple pulmonary embolism.  Married for almost ten years and my world fell apart.  When I think of the last words I said to him, I simply cannot remember what I said.  I loved Rick with all my heart and I wish I could say one last thing to him.  Tell him I love him and he was a great husband and father to his son.  

June 18, 2021- John passed away from a brain stem bleed, also known as a stroke.  I still can remember this day and at 9pm 6-17-21 he was in bed and complained of left side weakness.  Then started to get worse and he tried to get up and put his pants on and he ended up on the floor.  The ambulance arrived and he was semi conscious.  The last thing I can remember is his head bobbing up and back down as I was screaming his name.  Got to the hospital and was told that he suffered a seizure in the ambulance and didn't regain consciousness.  I felt like my world was over and I thought it was.  They had to give me xanax to calm me down.  At 330am on 6-18-21 he spiked a 107 degree fever and his heart was racing and I finally told them to take him off the ventilator.  That was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.

May 2, 2022-Matt and I started talking and began seeing each other.  I moved in with him in August and loved and cherished him.  We ended our relationship in June of 2023.  We are still best friends.  He has been amazing at calming me down with my panic attacks. I am forever grateful to have met him and will continue to  stay friends with him.

Now for the present day stuff:  I have begun counseling and I am hoping it helps with my suicidal thoughts.  I have often thought of what I could do to not be in this world anymore.  It is horrible to think this way.  I have a suicide contract that I dont intend to break.  For questions about the suicide contract is:  I signed it and my pastor and his wife signed it to keep me accountable for not hurting myself.  I am forever grateful for that contract.

August 16, 2023- Marshall and I met on fb dating site and we talk and we laugh and we have shared many long conversations about everything.  He makes me feel beautiful, loved, cherished and worthy of being alive.  I have never thought I could find someone who makes me feel wonderful and I love spending every minute with him.  He is my everything and I cannot wait to see what life has in store for us.  The last three weeks I havent stopped smiling.  He always finds a way to tell or show me that he loves me.  We chat on messenger and I feel so happy all the time.

Around this time I have decided to stop being angry at God and embrace what life has in store for me with Him.  Ive been back at church and I feel so much Peace and happiness that I never was possible.  There is so much love that I feel from my Father in Heaven.  I have become closer with Him and dont want to live my life without God in my life.

Thank you to all who listen and read this blog,

Love you all,

Shelley Stone