My Animals and my reasons for living

 List of My Animals

3 Cats that call me mom
Jim- Gray and white Tabby
Tim- Orange and white part main coon cat
Baby Kitty- Orange and White tabby

3 dogs that call me mom
Riley- Miniature Australian Shepherd
Jackson- Beagle Bassett Mix (With Husky)
Hazel- Chihuahua Fiest Mix

My cats and my dogs mean the world to me.  I would have never met Jim, Tim and Hazel if I didnt meet Matt.  He is amazing.  I am thankful every day about the way he is treating me through out this break up.  

Now I am writing about My Dog Riley....

As I sat here in bed thinking about how much I miss this amazing dog that I had the privelige of being his mom for 14 years.  

My first husband Rick and I adopted Riley from a breeder outside of Carlock, IL.  We took him to the vet to get checked out to make sure he was healthy and found out he had six parasites.  So I called the breeder not asking for financial compensation but to let them know that he had parasites and to get the other dogs checked.  

They brought Riley and 3 other dogs out to this pen for us to choose which one we wanted.  I wanted this dog named Cody that had two different colored eyes.  He was so gentle and loving.  When the pen was open the only dog to run towards the barn was Riley (A black and white one).  Of course Rick wanted him.  So that is who we went with.  I knew Riley was my baby and he favored me because he threw up and peed on me while I was holding him in the car on our way to the campground.  He was the constant light in my life.  

He grew up this happy go-lucky dog.  He was so excited when I came home.  My husband became a truck driver 4 months after we married.  So he was gone alot.  Riley barricaded the door in my bedroom and protected me.  He was always told to protect mommy.  He did just that.

He was diagnosed in 2019 with pumolnary edema.  He was coughing constantly.

Last year August 10, 2022 we had to put him down.  The night before he looked me in the eyes and said Mom Im done.  That was a very hard day.  I am grateful Matt was there with me.  We were both crying.  I found out later that Riley had a conversation with Matt and told Matt that he was done and it would be ok.  He was ready to go home.

1 Year later:

Very hard day.  I miss him everyday and I am grateful I was given the opportunity to be his mom.  Riley you will always have a special place in my heart.  Your dad and I will always miss you.  

I hope you enjoyed the reunion with your other dads.

Love, Shelley (MOM)

Life Update:

 As I sit here and write this, there is alot that has happened and I feel like this blog needs an update.  

Synopsis of the last five years:

August 12, 2018- Rick passed away from a triple pulmonary embolism.  Married for almost ten years and my world fell apart.  When I think of the last words I said to him, I simply cannot remember what I said.  I loved Rick with all my heart and I wish I could say one last thing to him.  Tell him I love him and he was a great husband and father to his son.  

June 18, 2021- John passed away from a brain stem bleed, also known as a stroke.  I still can remember this day and at 9pm 6-17-21 he was in bed and complained of left side weakness.  Then started to get worse and he tried to get up and put his pants on and he ended up on the floor.  The ambulance arrived and he was semi conscious.  The last thing I can remember is his head bobbing up and back down as I was screaming his name.  Got to the hospital and was told that he suffered a seizure in the ambulance and didn't regain consciousness.  I felt like my world was over and I thought it was.  They had to give me xanax to calm me down.  At 330am on 6-18-21 he spiked a 107 degree fever and his heart was racing and I finally told them to take him off the ventilator.  That was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.

May 2, 2022-Matt and I started talking and began seeing each other.  I moved in with him in August and loved and cherished him.  We ended our relationship in June of 2023.  We are still best friends.  He has been amazing at calming me down with my panic attacks. I am forever grateful to have met him and will continue to  stay friends with him.

Now for the present day stuff:  I have begun counseling and I am hoping it helps with my suicidal thoughts.  I have often thought of what I could do to not be in this world anymore.  It is horrible to think this way.  I have a suicide contract that I dont intend to break.  For questions about the suicide contract is:  I signed it and my pastor and his wife signed it to keep me accountable for not hurting myself.  I am forever grateful for that contract.

August 16, 2023- Marshall and I met on fb dating site and we talk and we laugh and we have shared many long conversations about everything.  He makes me feel beautiful, loved, cherished and worthy of being alive.  I have never thought I could find someone who makes me feel wonderful and I love spending every minute with him.  He is my everything and I cannot wait to see what life has in store for us.  The last three weeks I havent stopped smiling.  He always finds a way to tell or show me that he loves me.  We chat on messenger and I feel so happy all the time.

Around this time I have decided to stop being angry at God and embrace what life has in store for me with Him.  Ive been back at church and I feel so much Peace and happiness that I never was possible.  There is so much love that I feel from my Father in Heaven.  I have become closer with Him and dont want to live my life without God in my life.

Thank you to all who listen and read this blog,

Love you all,

Shelley Stone

new life update

I've been wondering if I should post anything at all.  I have upset family members.  My posts aren't meant to hurt anyone but I've had a lot of dark times in my brain and sometimes those thoughts come out on here.  I'm truly sorry for any posts I've made about my sister and my mom.  

I have come to realize that I needed to change my life in many ways. So I took it upon myself to dump a guy who was toxic for me.  

After that I ended up finding someone who understands what I've been through and it's amazing.  We talk for hours and text back and forth.  It makes me fall for him each and everyday.  He had six kids and is raising his grandchild.  

He understanding and kind and so patient with me. 

We both see a future together and I'm working on finding a place to live.

 Fb post:

So this week has been a lot of thinking ,a lot of changing, and a lot of mental wellness. I have been angry at God for a really long time for taking my husbands from me, taking my baby from me, and taking other people that I love away from me. I came to the realization that after Tuesday of thinking I was not worth anything and being angry at a lot of things that something in my life needed to change. I was on the phone with a really good friend of mine Tuesday night trying to talk me out of doing what I could to not be in this world anymore. I met up with her and talked to her on Wednesday and I met up with her and her husband and talked to them on Thursday about some things. I have decided that instead of being angry all the time I'm going to start living my life with God at the head of it and after talking to my friend on Tuesday I felt extremely free and really felt like my burden was lighter. I'm not asking for apologies I'm not asking for anything I'm just finally realizing that I need to get back into a faith-based relationship with God. So I went to church for the first time in over a year and a half today to a church called Living Stone Community. I really got a lot out of the sermon today and I can't wait to go back next week. Thank you for all the love and support throughout the last years I truly truly appreciate it all. Love you all

That's all folks, 

Shelley 

Phoenix and anxiety

Anxiety is like how Martin Luther King Jr said

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

No matter what life has put in my path somehow I've kept moving forward.  

I really identify with the mythical creature the Phoenix.  When it dies it bursts into flames and it's reborn out of the ashes.  

I feel like losing both my husbands and my child it makes me realize how strong I can be.  No matter what life puts in path I always know that I can survive it somehow.  

I've found love that ended in a great friendship.  Someone who's been on my side no matter what has happened. I'm forever grateful that our paths crossed.  

Thank you to all who have been here during these rough times.  Love you all.

Homebody... no one understands or cares

I've been having a really hard time lately asking and wondering why the things that have happened in my life have happened.  I've been thinking about what I'm here to do with my life and still I don't know.  I'm angry at God.  I'm finding it very difficult to love Him especially taking people away from me.  My baby, my husbands, and some close friends.  

I'm not asking for sympathy or for someone to fix it.  I just need people to understand why I don't want to be around. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I think I need to fix myself somehow.

I'm jealous of my parents and my siblings cause they have their kids and spouses.  It's not fair that they have those things and I do not. It's hard to see them with their kids when that is all I've ever wanted.  Even when I did become pregnant I lost it.   I've become a home body and just want to be at home most of the time.  I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone by not coming around. 

I just need time to figure things out and get me out of this depression.  

Love you all and thank you for listening and understanding.  

Please don't be offended if I don't answer.  Thanks in advance.

Not where I thought I'd be in life

Sometimes people are kind and loving.  Sometimes people are cruel.  

I feel like a baby starving for attention.  

I have a boyfriend who isn't attracted to me because of something stupid that happened.  I have what I thought was amends but in a drunken rage he said some pretty hurtful things.  If I didn't love him so much I would say something.  Even if I say his daughter is ignoring me and rolling her eyes at me, I'm the one who is in the wrong.   

I wish things were back to way the use to before the nonsense happened.  

I'm so depressed and asking what I did wrong to deserve all of this unhappiness.  Why can't I be loved and cherished like every woman should be? 

Why am I being punished and living somewhere I'm not wanted?

I sometimes think it would be best if I wasn't around.  

I'm tired of being sad all the time.  

Thanks

Me

mother's day 2023

I dread mother's day every year.  Even though I don't have any physical kids, I'm always told that I am a mother from the day of conception. 

Today I texted my sisters to wish them happy Mother's Day and instead of saying it back they just said thank you.  

This saddens me and I'm tired of trying to fit in.  

Even though I lost a baby that doesn't mean I'm not a mom.  

They ask why I don't want to hang out with my family and I'll tell you why....

Why do my siblings get their spouses and their children and God thought my life wasn't worth that? It makes me angry and jealous to see it.  I also think it's unfair that God has chosen to punish me with alot of loss.  I hate it and I believe God is sadistic and finds joy in punishing me for some fucking reason.  

It's not fair and I'm beyond pissed.  

I'm grateful for the mom I have.  She is a great strength to me.  

Thanks for listening