I was sitting alone at home thinking about all the amazing memories I have with Rick.
Our two cruises, our trips to Florida, our trip to Arkansas and meeting new people that Rick knew and now I have the pleasure of knowing.
Rick never met a stranger and he was always going up to people and talking to them.
My life has been blessed to have him as my husband. Rick always made me feel like I was the only girl in his world. He always made me feel special.
I am grateful for all the time I had with him. We had our ups and downs like any marriage but we always said we are stronger together than we are apart.
Jamaica was one of the best memories I have....
Rick and I climbed Dunns River Falls and had a blast. It was extremely fulfilling and romantic.
We were smiling ear to ear.
I miss his smile, his laugh and his way he was able to make me feel better. I miss his advice and the way he called me baby doll. I asked him why and he said because I was his baby doll.
I have had a lot of people tell me how happy Rick was the last 11 years. I am grateful to have been his wife.
Though I have some amazing memories, my heart is hurting for his touch again. I miss him more than anyone ever knows. I want one more day with him and never let him go.
When people think of grieving they think it will be over quick. But Grief is a really slow process. If it wasnt for my family, my friends, my counselor and my grief group, I am not sure if I would be able to get through all of this without it all.
My heart hurts everyday for him but I know he is always with me no matter what happen. I know there are some folks that dont know but Rick and I were 23 years apart and He always told me that age was a number and it didnt matter to either of us.
Not many of you know how much he meant to me. He was my prince charming and I love him then, now and forever. I am grateful for all of you and for him.
Thank you for reading my blog and this helps me to relieve some of the burden and it gives you all an idea of what I am going through.
Love you all so much and thank you for coming on the Journey with me,
Shelley
Thursday, February 28, 2019
Monday, February 25, 2019
My Struggle with God
So today's post is my struggle with God.
I admit I blame God for Rick's death. I am angry that he took a wonderful man away from me and now I have to survive on this planet without Rick. It has gotten to the point where I dont believe in Him and I feel like He is punishing me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about this and I have come to realize that I need to Surrender to God and put all my struggles out on the table for Him. There is a story in the bible that the shepherd will leave his 99 sheep to go look for the one that has wandered.
I feel like I am the one that wandered and God is reaching out His hand and calling my name to come back to the Fold.
I have had a lot of support over these last 6months. By Friends, Family, My Parents and my siblings. There is someone who is always there when I need him. He knows who he is....
Ive come to realize that there has always been someone else there every step of this journey and if I would lean on Him, He would hold me up. Im slowly coming around to letting God back into my life and I know now it has not been his fault.
Our days are numbered even before we are born and it was Rick's time to go. I may not like it but I have learned to accept it. My heart will always hurt for him but I know that he would not want me to be lonely or upset for the rest of my life. I need to give myself adequate time to grieve and not rush it. I tried that and believe me it hurts more than before.
There is also an amazing lady that I want to write about. She is the person I thought of when I first became a widow and talking to her is an amazing experience. She not only showed love towards me as I was going through this but she raised an amazing son who has been there every step of this journey. She wrote a book about Widowhood and her experiences through all of it. I see God shine a light through her with this experience. I am so grateful for her and I love her like family. If she reads this Thank you for all your advice and Support through all of this.
I also want to thank you for raising an amazing man who has compassion and patience for me even when I am so upset I cant think straight.
I know I have a long road ahead but if I put one foot in front of the other I should be ok.
I will write more soon.
I love you all and Thank you for your support
Shelley
I admit I blame God for Rick's death. I am angry that he took a wonderful man away from me and now I have to survive on this planet without Rick. It has gotten to the point where I dont believe in Him and I feel like He is punishing me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about this and I have come to realize that I need to Surrender to God and put all my struggles out on the table for Him. There is a story in the bible that the shepherd will leave his 99 sheep to go look for the one that has wandered.
I feel like I am the one that wandered and God is reaching out His hand and calling my name to come back to the Fold.
I have had a lot of support over these last 6months. By Friends, Family, My Parents and my siblings. There is someone who is always there when I need him. He knows who he is....
Ive come to realize that there has always been someone else there every step of this journey and if I would lean on Him, He would hold me up. Im slowly coming around to letting God back into my life and I know now it has not been his fault.
Our days are numbered even before we are born and it was Rick's time to go. I may not like it but I have learned to accept it. My heart will always hurt for him but I know that he would not want me to be lonely or upset for the rest of my life. I need to give myself adequate time to grieve and not rush it. I tried that and believe me it hurts more than before.
There is also an amazing lady that I want to write about. She is the person I thought of when I first became a widow and talking to her is an amazing experience. She not only showed love towards me as I was going through this but she raised an amazing son who has been there every step of this journey. She wrote a book about Widowhood and her experiences through all of it. I see God shine a light through her with this experience. I am so grateful for her and I love her like family. If she reads this Thank you for all your advice and Support through all of this.
I also want to thank you for raising an amazing man who has compassion and patience for me even when I am so upset I cant think straight.
I know I have a long road ahead but if I put one foot in front of the other I should be ok.
I will write more soon.
I love you all and Thank you for your support
Shelley
Friday, February 22, 2019
Triggers
I have become more aware of my triggers.
It may be a picture, it may be a song, it may be a night out or it may be a certain food.
I miss him everyday and I sometimes do not want to keep going, but I do.
You are more prone to missing your loved one by thinking of all the memories you have done together and pictures of you with your loved one.
I am grateful for the years that was spent with him. So I am going to be frank and say that it makes me sad when people ask "if I only knew I had 11yrs with him would I still marry him" and my answer is always yes. The last 11 years were the best years of my life and I am grateful he chose me to spend his last years with.
I miss him every single day and I was very proud, grateful, and lucky he chose me.
I always saw it in his eyes that I was the only girl in his world. It was my privilege to have been his wife and I wouldn't change a thing. I love u Rick. You are my everything.
Will write soon,
Shelley
It may be a picture, it may be a song, it may be a night out or it may be a certain food.
I miss him everyday and I sometimes do not want to keep going, but I do.
You are more prone to missing your loved one by thinking of all the memories you have done together and pictures of you with your loved one.
I am grateful for the years that was spent with him. So I am going to be frank and say that it makes me sad when people ask "if I only knew I had 11yrs with him would I still marry him" and my answer is always yes. The last 11 years were the best years of my life and I am grateful he chose me to spend his last years with.
I miss him every single day and I was very proud, grateful, and lucky he chose me.
I always saw it in his eyes that I was the only girl in his world. It was my privilege to have been his wife and I wouldn't change a thing. I love u Rick. You are my everything.
Will write soon,
Shelley
Thursday, February 21, 2019
August 12, 2018 was a sad day....
It has been 193 days since he passed.
I dont understand grief sometimes. It comes in waves and some days your are fine and some days you are an emotional wreck.
The things that most of you do not understand when losing a spouse is that half of the living spouse's heart dies along with them.
I found an amazing support group and a counselor who is helping me through alot.
Rick not only was the love of my life but he was my safety. What I mean about that is that at 19 something bad happened and it has gotten to the point with me that I needed to know where Rick was in a public place at all times or I would have a panic attack.
With him not being here it is becoming more difficult to feel safe in public. I am working on it but he made it easier to deal with it.
Most days I am crying at the littlest things and I dont know why. Something will hit me and I will cry.
I long for the days when this gets easier but I dont see that happening anytime soon.
I will write later
Shelley
I dont understand grief sometimes. It comes in waves and some days your are fine and some days you are an emotional wreck.
The things that most of you do not understand when losing a spouse is that half of the living spouse's heart dies along with them.
I found an amazing support group and a counselor who is helping me through alot.
Rick not only was the love of my life but he was my safety. What I mean about that is that at 19 something bad happened and it has gotten to the point with me that I needed to know where Rick was in a public place at all times or I would have a panic attack.
With him not being here it is becoming more difficult to feel safe in public. I am working on it but he made it easier to deal with it.
Most days I am crying at the littlest things and I dont know why. Something will hit me and I will cry.
I long for the days when this gets easier but I dont see that happening anytime soon.
I will write later
Shelley
My Story...
Let me tell you about my journey.....
My name is Shelley and I married my husband Rick in 2008. He was the love of my life. We met in July 2007. We dated for a year and a half. Then he asked me to marry him on the phone while I was in Idaho visiting my sister. We were engaged 3 months and were married in Nov. 2008.
We made a wonderful life together. Thought Children were in our future but soon realized that they were not possible.
So 4 months after we were married Rick was let go from a job that he had for 15 yrs and we went down to one income. Soon after he applied to Truck Driving school to provide for his family. When he finished he was at Werner for a few short weeks and found out that he didnt want to be there. So he went to different places.
He ended up a couple years ago being employed with a company that was amazing.
June of 2018 started a long journey....
Rick was having a hard time emptying his bladder and he was off work for vacation and he was having trouble sleeping due to having to get up constantly to go to the bathroom. Finally he was in so much pain from pushing on his bladder that I told him to go to the ER and I would meet him there. They told me that he had 2750ccs of Urine backed up in his bladder. He then had to have a catheter.
So July 2018....
We went to the urologist several times and two of those times they would remove his catheter and see if he could pee on his own. Which he couldn't so they put a catheter back in.
He was then scanned to see what was going on and come to find out he had an enlarged prostate and we scheduled Surgery for August 29, 2018.
In the meantime Rick had to be put on Leave from work because of the catheter.
August 12, 2018...
This was a day I will never forget. I slept on the couch so that I wouldnt distrupt the catheter for Rick and I woke up that Sunday morning. Prepared Brunch for him and took it in to him at 12pm. He hadnt woke up yet. He proceeded to tell me that he didnt fall asleep till 6am so when I woke him at 12p, he ate, showered and got dressed. He was so excited to build his box fan. He went outside and started building and I stayed inside and did laundry. around 3ish I went outside and checked on him and he was sitting in a lawn chair drinking a pepsi. I gave him a water and asked him to stay hydrated. I said if he needed anything to let me know. 15 minutes later I am sitting in my room doing laundry and my neighbor comes running into the house saying that Rick had stopped breathing. My heart stopped. I couldnt imagine my life without him. I then went outside while her husband was doing CPR on Rick and they had called the ambulance. They worked on him for about an hour and a half before taking him to St. James ER in pontiac.
I was in no condition to drive so they drove me. As soon as I got there I followed the paramedics in check on Rick and immediately went to waiting room to find Matt (His Son). All of our friends were in the waiting room. I called his brother and told them to come up.
Matt and I walked back to his room and waited about ten minutes and finally told the drs and nurses to let him go. We could tell he was gone. We didnt want to give up but I knew Rick would not want to live like this. So at 5:34pm he was pronounced Dead.
My life has been hell since. I have amazing friends and family who have been by my side through out this journey. I will write more later but wanted to start this so I can write my feelings down through all of this.
Thanks for listening,
Shelley
If Anyone is reading this please send me a comment.
My name is Shelley and I married my husband Rick in 2008. He was the love of my life. We met in July 2007. We dated for a year and a half. Then he asked me to marry him on the phone while I was in Idaho visiting my sister. We were engaged 3 months and were married in Nov. 2008.
We made a wonderful life together. Thought Children were in our future but soon realized that they were not possible.
So 4 months after we were married Rick was let go from a job that he had for 15 yrs and we went down to one income. Soon after he applied to Truck Driving school to provide for his family. When he finished he was at Werner for a few short weeks and found out that he didnt want to be there. So he went to different places.
He ended up a couple years ago being employed with a company that was amazing.
June of 2018 started a long journey....
Rick was having a hard time emptying his bladder and he was off work for vacation and he was having trouble sleeping due to having to get up constantly to go to the bathroom. Finally he was in so much pain from pushing on his bladder that I told him to go to the ER and I would meet him there. They told me that he had 2750ccs of Urine backed up in his bladder. He then had to have a catheter.
So July 2018....
We went to the urologist several times and two of those times they would remove his catheter and see if he could pee on his own. Which he couldn't so they put a catheter back in.
He was then scanned to see what was going on and come to find out he had an enlarged prostate and we scheduled Surgery for August 29, 2018.
In the meantime Rick had to be put on Leave from work because of the catheter.
August 12, 2018...
This was a day I will never forget. I slept on the couch so that I wouldnt distrupt the catheter for Rick and I woke up that Sunday morning. Prepared Brunch for him and took it in to him at 12pm. He hadnt woke up yet. He proceeded to tell me that he didnt fall asleep till 6am so when I woke him at 12p, he ate, showered and got dressed. He was so excited to build his box fan. He went outside and started building and I stayed inside and did laundry. around 3ish I went outside and checked on him and he was sitting in a lawn chair drinking a pepsi. I gave him a water and asked him to stay hydrated. I said if he needed anything to let me know. 15 minutes later I am sitting in my room doing laundry and my neighbor comes running into the house saying that Rick had stopped breathing. My heart stopped. I couldnt imagine my life without him. I then went outside while her husband was doing CPR on Rick and they had called the ambulance. They worked on him for about an hour and a half before taking him to St. James ER in pontiac.
I was in no condition to drive so they drove me. As soon as I got there I followed the paramedics in check on Rick and immediately went to waiting room to find Matt (His Son). All of our friends were in the waiting room. I called his brother and told them to come up.
Matt and I walked back to his room and waited about ten minutes and finally told the drs and nurses to let him go. We could tell he was gone. We didnt want to give up but I knew Rick would not want to live like this. So at 5:34pm he was pronounced Dead.
My life has been hell since. I have amazing friends and family who have been by my side through out this journey. I will write more later but wanted to start this so I can write my feelings down through all of this.
Thanks for listening,
Shelley
If Anyone is reading this please send me a comment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)