My miscarriage

It all started after the Super Bowl. I was feeling very off and I thought I should take a pregnancy test. It came back positive and we were extatic we went in around the 1st of March    For  An ultrasoundFound out that the baby didn't have a heart beat so I went in for a D &c. I was so nervous I felt like my whole world came to an end. It was the worst experience I've ever felt I felt likeI had a block of cement sitting on my chest.My heart was broken. Am I thought the only thing I could do was talk about it. But I had no one to talk to John didn't understand. I felt like there was alone in all of this. Now I'm   Depressed from how sad I feel that I don't have my baby with me. We just past its due date and it was the hardest day of my life. I felt like I had no reason for living. On a side note I am not going to take my own life it just felt like that .

 If anyone has ever had a miscarriage knows what I am going through there's no one to talk to, thirst no 1 who understands,  And when you tried to talk to your husband About the miscarriage he doesn't understand what is going on in your mind. He wants to help but doesn't understand how or doesn't know how. 

I wish I had someone to talk to you like a counsellor or someone who knows so I blog

 I know how many people read this blog but it's my outlet  To write down what isgoing on in my brain and to help me to Process.

 Thank you to all who are reading wherever you are feel free to leave me a comment love you all talk to  You soon.

Love,

 Shelley Stone

After the year mark... journey in a new direction

I struggle alot with my emotions about the loss of Rick.  I struggle with friendships and family I have lost due to the decisions I have made.  So I am changing the path and I am hoping that it will be better for me in the long run.

5-26-2020
I have been through quite alot since I last posted.  Infell in love with an amazing man and became pregnant.  Lost my baby at 7 weeks.  Had to have a DNC. One of my dearest friends was diagnosed with brain cancer and I'm getting married on 9.4.2020

Love u all
Shelley

Almost to the year mark...

I have tried to be as open as I feel like, but coming up on the year mark of his death has hit me like a ton of bricks.   So many changes this year.  I promised myself after he died that I would stay in touch with everyone and my grief got the better of me and now I have pushed people away that I love very much and hoping someday I can mend my relationship with them.

I started a new job in may and at the end of June i was let go for the most ridiculous reason.   But whatever. 

Just returned home from Vegas where I had a lot of fun.
The year anniversary is in 5 days.   I'm so depressed.   Im so sad. 

Still I'm not sure how I made it through but with the help of my boyfriend and my family has made this year bearable.
I'm taking a break from blogging.   I hope this helps


Love u all

Shelley W

Finding love after a great Loss....

I am sitting here contemplating finding love after the loss of Rick.  I dont know what else I can say.  I have found someone who loves me for me.  I am grateful for the man that I have found.  He makes me feel like I am worth Love once again.

I know not all will agree about this but I am truly happy and I wish I could let everyone know why I deserve to be happy again.

I found a man who is patient, kind, loving, and very handsome.  I find myself very lucky to have had a second chance in not only love but in the man I fell in love with over 15 years ago. 

I have been lucky to fall in love with 2 very special men.
Rick was the love of my life and I thought I would spend my life with him making him happy and falling more in love with him each and every day.  The day he died, I died inside.  I thought I lost half of me and find that half has been very difficult.

John is the new love of my life and I cannot wait to see what life has in store for me and him.  I will work at it everyday to make him feel like he is the most important thing to me in this whole world.  We deserve to be happy with each other.

John and I are headed to Las Vegas in a couple of months and I have had people ask if we are getting married while we are out there.  Him and I have discussed this and are asking people to respect us.  If we choose to marry one day it will be in our time and we will let others know.

Thank you so very much very all of your prayers for me during these last 9 months.

Him and i are wanting to start a family and I am not sure how I feel right now because Rick and I wanted kids and couldnt have them.  If you read this I am so sorry if I offend anyone. 

Love you all so much,

Thank you,

Shelley

Losing more than Rick...

Over the last week or so I have lost two really close friends.  One was Rick's best friend and the other is one of our close friends.  I am deeply saddened by these deaths.

I keep reflecting on what I said to Rick before he passed and I honestly cannot remember.  I miss that man so much and I dont know why I didnt get my chance to say goodbye.  I feel like I was robbed of my chance to say goodbye to Rick.

I did however say good bye to Rick's best friend so that I would not regret that either.

I can't do this much more.  But if Rick is listening I am sorry I wasnt there when you died and I am sorry that you died alone.  Please forgive me.  I love you.

Talk soon,
S. Washko

Something I learned this weekend

As I sit and ponder the grieving process of losing Rick.  I am sad when I think he will never see his grandkids and he will never be able to build anything with his son.   He will miss a lot of things.  I was looking forward to growing old with him.  He was my everything.

I was hanging with some friends yesterday and I have been looking for signs that Rick is still around and if he is ok and if he is still with me. 

I was told yesterday that Rick doesnt want me to get stuck in Grief.  He doesnt want me to be lonely and that I should move on.

I feel really guilty when I think about moving on because honestly I feel like I am cheating on him even though he has passed.  But knowing he doesnt want me to get stuck gives me a sense of relief.

Many think that if you move on after a spouse passes that you do not love them.  I am here to tell you that this is false.  I love Rick.  I will always Love Rick.  And my love for someone else will be really different.  I will always have Rick in my heart.  I am sad that he is gone but I know he will always watch over me.

I am not sure if anyone is reading this but I hope it helps

Thanks
Shelley

Finding the "New" Normal...

I don't know if anyone reads this and I am hoping my story helps others cope with the loss of a spouse.

I am not sure when it is ok to move on from the Death of Rick.  But I have had to do a lot of thinking of when the perfect time is to move on.  I thought I found someone who has thought of me as Beautiful even though I have psoriasis.  That guy turned out to be a catfisher.  But I have had to struggle a lot with all of this and I went into a very dark place.  I wasnt sure if I would recover from that and I would have to take my own life to make it easier for everyone.  Let me clarify....I AM NOT SUICIDAL.  I thought it would take the pain away.

I am now seeing this really great guy who calls me beautiful and sees beyond the psoriasis. 

When I say I need to find the new normal...That doesnt mean that I will forget my husband or not love him anymore.  It just means that I need to cope without Rick here.

I have been going to E-Free Church and I feel like I have found my home church.

Is anyone out there reading this?

Talk later
Shelley