Almost to the year mark...

I have tried to be as open as I feel like, but coming up on the year mark of his death has hit me like a ton of bricks.   So many changes this year.  I promised myself after he died that I would stay in touch with everyone and my grief got the better of me and now I have pushed people away that I love very much and hoping someday I can mend my relationship with them.

I started a new job in may and at the end of June i was let go for the most ridiculous reason.   But whatever. 

Just returned home from Vegas where I had a lot of fun.
The year anniversary is in 5 days.   I'm so depressed.   Im so sad. 

Still I'm not sure how I made it through but with the help of my boyfriend and my family has made this year bearable.
I'm taking a break from blogging.   I hope this helps


Love u all

Shelley W

Finding love after a great Loss....

I am sitting here contemplating finding love after the loss of Rick.  I dont know what else I can say.  I have found someone who loves me for me.  I am grateful for the man that I have found.  He makes me feel like I am worth Love once again.

I know not all will agree about this but I am truly happy and I wish I could let everyone know why I deserve to be happy again.

I found a man who is patient, kind, loving, and very handsome.  I find myself very lucky to have had a second chance in not only love but in the man I fell in love with over 15 years ago. 

I have been lucky to fall in love with 2 very special men.
Rick was the love of my life and I thought I would spend my life with him making him happy and falling more in love with him each and every day.  The day he died, I died inside.  I thought I lost half of me and find that half has been very difficult.

John is the new love of my life and I cannot wait to see what life has in store for me and him.  I will work at it everyday to make him feel like he is the most important thing to me in this whole world.  We deserve to be happy with each other.

John and I are headed to Las Vegas in a couple of months and I have had people ask if we are getting married while we are out there.  Him and I have discussed this and are asking people to respect us.  If we choose to marry one day it will be in our time and we will let others know.

Thank you so very much very all of your prayers for me during these last 9 months.

Him and i are wanting to start a family and I am not sure how I feel right now because Rick and I wanted kids and couldnt have them.  If you read this I am so sorry if I offend anyone. 

Love you all so much,

Thank you,

Shelley

Losing more than Rick...

Over the last week or so I have lost two really close friends.  One was Rick's best friend and the other is one of our close friends.  I am deeply saddened by these deaths.

I keep reflecting on what I said to Rick before he passed and I honestly cannot remember.  I miss that man so much and I dont know why I didnt get my chance to say goodbye.  I feel like I was robbed of my chance to say goodbye to Rick.

I did however say good bye to Rick's best friend so that I would not regret that either.

I can't do this much more.  But if Rick is listening I am sorry I wasnt there when you died and I am sorry that you died alone.  Please forgive me.  I love you.

Talk soon,
S. Washko

Something I learned this weekend

As I sit and ponder the grieving process of losing Rick.  I am sad when I think he will never see his grandkids and he will never be able to build anything with his son.   He will miss a lot of things.  I was looking forward to growing old with him.  He was my everything.

I was hanging with some friends yesterday and I have been looking for signs that Rick is still around and if he is ok and if he is still with me. 

I was told yesterday that Rick doesnt want me to get stuck in Grief.  He doesnt want me to be lonely and that I should move on.

I feel really guilty when I think about moving on because honestly I feel like I am cheating on him even though he has passed.  But knowing he doesnt want me to get stuck gives me a sense of relief.

Many think that if you move on after a spouse passes that you do not love them.  I am here to tell you that this is false.  I love Rick.  I will always Love Rick.  And my love for someone else will be really different.  I will always have Rick in my heart.  I am sad that he is gone but I know he will always watch over me.

I am not sure if anyone is reading this but I hope it helps

Thanks
Shelley

Finding the "New" Normal...

I don't know if anyone reads this and I am hoping my story helps others cope with the loss of a spouse.

I am not sure when it is ok to move on from the Death of Rick.  But I have had to do a lot of thinking of when the perfect time is to move on.  I thought I found someone who has thought of me as Beautiful even though I have psoriasis.  That guy turned out to be a catfisher.  But I have had to struggle a lot with all of this and I went into a very dark place.  I wasnt sure if I would recover from that and I would have to take my own life to make it easier for everyone.  Let me clarify....I AM NOT SUICIDAL.  I thought it would take the pain away.

I am now seeing this really great guy who calls me beautiful and sees beyond the psoriasis. 

When I say I need to find the new normal...That doesnt mean that I will forget my husband or not love him anymore.  It just means that I need to cope without Rick here.

I have been going to E-Free Church and I feel like I have found my home church.

Is anyone out there reading this?

Talk later
Shelley

Warning of a Scam

This all started back in November of 2018....
I thought I was ready to start seeing other people and I met what I thought was a nice guy on pof.com and he was in the military.

I thought I had found the person I was going to spend my life with and he ended up catfishing me for a lot of money.

I now have to do things so that I dont screw up my life even more.

Please just be careful when you start dating again and looking at someone to find on the internet.

His username is huddiefire and His name is Fox.

Please dont end up in the trouble I am in.

Thanks
Shelley

An Update:
Thankfully Chase Bank was able to recover most of the money and all I have to pay is a portion.  I will not lose my home and I am grateful to God everyday.

My life as a widow

I have said on many occasions...i am 36 and i should not be a widow.  But the truth is I am.  I may not always like the title but if I wasnt a widow, I would not have been married to the most amazing man in the world.  Rick Washko.

My life as a widow has been a struggle and I have had a lot of support along the way and I know deep down Ricks love was so powerful in me and it is what keeps me going along with my fur babies.

I have needed a lot of courage and strength to get up every morning and get dressed for work.

I have lost other family members and this has been the hardest person for me to lose.

It isnt fair that my spouse is gone and other spouses are not.

Im not saying I wish for your spouses to be dead too, I just wish I had one more day with him to at least have the chance to say goodbye.  Tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me and our fur babies.  I feel very cheated out of not being able to say goodbye.

I hope and pray nobody has to go through this but if u do please join a griefshare group.  It helps to talk out my feelings and I love the friends I have made.

Love u all,
Shelley

My Memories...

I was sitting alone at home thinking about all the amazing memories I have with Rick.

Our two cruises, our trips to Florida, our trip to Arkansas and meeting new people that Rick knew and now I have the pleasure of knowing.

Rick never met a stranger and he was always going up to people and talking to them. 

My life has been blessed to have him as my husband.  Rick always made me feel like I was the only girl in his world.  He always made me feel special. 

I am grateful for all the time I had with him.  We had our ups and downs like any marriage but we always said we are stronger together than we are apart. 

Jamaica was one of the best memories I have....
Rick and I climbed Dunns River Falls and had a blast.  It was extremely fulfilling and romantic.

We were smiling ear to ear. 

I miss his smile, his laugh and his way he was able to make me feel better.  I miss his advice and the way he called me baby doll.  I asked him why and he said because I was his baby doll.

I have had a lot of people tell me how happy Rick was the last 11 years.  I am grateful to have been his wife.

Though I have some amazing memories, my heart is hurting for his touch again.  I miss him more than anyone ever knows.  I want one more day with him and never let him go. 

When people think of grieving they think it will be over quick.  But Grief is a really slow process.  If it wasnt for my family, my friends, my counselor and my grief group, I am not sure if I would be able to get through all of this without it all.

My heart hurts everyday for him but I know he is always with me no matter what happen.  I know there are some folks that dont know but Rick and I were 23 years apart and He always told me that age was a number and it didnt matter to either of us. 

Not many of you know how much he meant to me.  He was my prince charming and I love him then, now and forever.  I am grateful for all of you and for him.

Thank you for reading my blog and this helps me to relieve some of the burden and it gives you all an idea of what I am going through. 

Love you all so much and thank you for coming on the Journey with me,
Shelley

My Struggle with God

So today's post is my struggle with God.

I admit I blame God for Rick's death.  I am angry that he took a wonderful man away from me and now I have to survive on this planet without Rick.  It has gotten to the point where I dont believe in Him and I feel like He is punishing me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about this and I have come to realize that I need to Surrender to God and put all my struggles out on the table for Him.  There is a story in the bible that the shepherd will leave his 99 sheep to go look for the one that has wandered.
I feel like I am the one that wandered and God is reaching out His hand and calling my name to come back to the Fold.

I have had a lot of support over these last 6months.  By Friends, Family, My Parents and my siblings.  There is someone who is always there when I need him.  He knows who he is....

Ive come to realize that there has always been someone else there every step of this journey and if I would lean on Him, He would hold me up.  Im slowly coming around to letting God back into my life and I know now it has not been his fault.

Our days are numbered even before we are born and it was Rick's time to go.  I may not like it but I have learned to accept it.  My heart will always hurt for him but I know that he would not want me to be lonely or upset for the rest of my life.  I need to give myself adequate time to grieve and not rush it.  I tried that and believe me it hurts more than before.

There is also an amazing lady that I want to write about.  She is the person I thought of when I first became a widow and talking to her is an amazing experience.  She not only showed love towards me as I was going through this but she raised an amazing son who has been there every step of this journey.  She wrote a book about Widowhood and her experiences through all of it.  I see God shine a light through her with this experience.  I am so grateful for her and I love her like family.  If she reads this Thank you for all your advice and Support through all of this.
I also want to thank you for raising an amazing man who has compassion and patience for me even when I am so upset I cant think straight.

I know I have a long road ahead but if I put one foot in front of the other I should be ok.

I will write more soon.

I love you all and Thank you for your support

Shelley

Triggers

I have become more aware of my triggers.

It may be a picture, it may be a song, it may be a night out or it may be a certain food.

I miss him everyday and I sometimes do not want to keep going, but I do.

You are more prone to missing your loved one by thinking of all the memories you have done together and pictures of you with your loved one.

I am grateful for the years that was spent with him.  So I am going to be frank and say that it makes me sad when people ask "if I only knew I had 11yrs with him would I still marry him" and my answer is always yes.   The last 11 years were the best years of my life and I am grateful he chose me to spend his last years with. 

I miss him every single day and I was very proud, grateful,  and lucky he chose me.

I always saw it in his eyes that I was the only girl in his world.   It was my privilege to have been his wife and I wouldn't change a thing.   I love u Rick.   You are my everything. 

Will write soon,
Shelley

August 12, 2018 was a sad day....

It has been 193 days since he passed.

I dont understand grief sometimes.  It comes in waves and some days your are fine and some days you are an emotional wreck.

The things that most of you do not understand when losing a spouse is that half of the living spouse's heart dies along with them.

I found an amazing support group and a counselor who is helping me through alot.

Rick not only was the love of my life but he was my safety.  What I mean about that is that at 19 something bad happened and it has gotten to the point with me that I needed to know where Rick was in a public place at all times or I would have a panic attack.

With him not being here it is becoming more difficult to feel safe in public.  I am working on it but he made it easier to deal with it.

Most days I am crying at the littlest things and I dont know why.  Something will hit me and I will cry.
I long for the days when this gets easier but I dont see that happening anytime soon.

I will write later

Shelley

My Story...

Let me tell you about my journey.....

My name is Shelley and I married my husband Rick in 2008.  He was the love of my life.  We met in July 2007. We dated for a year and a half.  Then he asked me to marry him on the phone while I was in Idaho visiting my sister. We were engaged 3 months and were married in Nov. 2008.

We made a wonderful life together. Thought Children were in our future but soon realized that they were not possible.

So 4 months after we were married Rick was let go from a job that he had for 15 yrs and we went down to one income.  Soon after he applied to Truck Driving school to provide for his family.  When he finished he was at Werner for a few short weeks and found out that he didnt want to be there.  So he went to different places.

He ended up a couple years ago being employed with a company that was amazing.

June of 2018 started a long journey....

Rick was having a hard time emptying his bladder and he was off work for vacation and he was having trouble sleeping due to having to get up constantly to go to the bathroom.  Finally he was in so much pain from pushing on his bladder that I told him to go to the ER and I would meet him there.  They told me that he had 2750ccs of Urine backed up in his bladder.  He then had to have a catheter.

So July 2018....
We went to the urologist several times and two of those times they would remove his catheter and see if he could pee on his own.  Which he couldn't so they put a catheter back in.
He was then scanned to see what was going on and come to find out he had an enlarged prostate and we scheduled Surgery for August 29, 2018.
In the meantime Rick had to be put on Leave from work because of the catheter.

August 12, 2018...
This was a day I will never forget.  I slept on the couch so that I wouldnt distrupt the catheter for Rick and I woke up that Sunday morning.  Prepared Brunch for him and took it in to him at 12pm.  He hadnt woke up yet.  He proceeded to tell me that he didnt fall asleep till 6am so when I woke him at 12p, he ate, showered and got dressed.  He was so excited to build his box fan.  He went outside and started building and I stayed inside and did laundry.  around 3ish I went outside and checked on him and he was sitting in a lawn chair drinking a pepsi.  I gave him a water and asked him to stay hydrated.  I said if he needed anything to let me know.  15 minutes later I am sitting in my room doing laundry and my neighbor comes running into the house saying that Rick had stopped breathing.  My heart stopped.  I couldnt imagine my life without him.  I then went outside while her husband was doing CPR on Rick and they had called the ambulance.  They worked on him for about an hour and a half before taking him to St. James ER in pontiac.

I was in no condition to drive so they drove me.  As soon as I got there I followed the paramedics in check on Rick and immediately went to waiting room to find Matt (His Son).  All of our friends were in the waiting room.  I called his brother and told them to come up.
Matt and I walked back to his room and waited about ten minutes and finally told the drs and nurses to let him go.  We could tell he was gone.  We didnt want to give up but I knew Rick would not want to live like this.  So at 5:34pm he was pronounced Dead.

My life has been hell since.  I have amazing friends and family who have been by my side through out this journey.  I will write more later but wanted to start this so I can write my feelings down through all of this.

Thanks for listening,
Shelley

If Anyone is reading this please send me a comment.